Scene: Richard and Phillip are in a car driving to Sainsbury’s to do the Christmas food shop
Richard: Isn’t it odd that our wives have entrusted the Christmas shop to is, a couple of clueless old duffers? Very rum.
Phillip: Oh I suspect it’s just some sort of hackneyed comic device the writer is using to describe the ridiculousness of this tortuous annual ritual.
Richard: Well never mind that. Look at the bloody queue for Sainsbury’s car park!
Phillip: Jesus. It’s like the M25 on a Friday evening.
Richard: There’s only one thing for it…..
Phillip: Sit in the traffic and wait our turn?
Richard: No, no you idiot! Queue jump by driving on the wrong side of the road of course.
Phillip: Oh yes go on then (noise of engine starting). Oh look, that man appears to be shaking some salt on his chips only he’s forgotten to pick up the salt shaker. And what’s that one saying? ‘Cracking Blunt’? Well ‘You’re Beautiful’ was OK I suppose but I wouldn’t call him cracking.
One hour and 25 minutes later
Phillip: Quick! There’s a space!
Richard: Well spotted! (parks)
Phillip: It does look a bit like a Disabled bay though.
Richard: It doesn’t count at Christmas. During Christmas shopping you can officially park anywhere. It’s like a free pass.
Phillip: Don’t you drive a BMW?
Richard: I do
Phillip: Surely it’s Christmas for you all year then!
(quick break to appreciate the obviousness of the last gag)
Scene: Inside the store
Richard: What’s the first thing on the list?
Phillip: Maris Pipers
Richard: What are they then?
Phillip: You daft old bastard! Everyone knows they’re red apples. Like these!
Richard: Good oh. What’s next?
Richard: SEMOLINA? Like that horrific cardboard desert we had at school. I bet they’ve got loads of that. (Spies assistant). Excuse me young man, have you got any semolina?
Assistant: I’m afraid we sold out yesterday. Nigella dredges her spuds in it on her Christmas programme. The second it aired we ran out.
Richard: DREDGES HER SPUDS? Is that a euphemism? And what, pray do perfectly adequate spud makers dredge them in the rest of the year?
Assistant: I’m not sure sir but I’m guessing nothing.
Phillip: Never mind, next item. Witch Hazel.
Richard: Fucking Witch Hazel? WHY?
Phillip: I suspect we don’t have any in and the shops are closing you know.
Richard: Excuse me again young man, when do you close?
Assistant: 4pm Christmas Eve
Richard: And open again?
Assistant: 10 am Boxing Day sir. With a sale.
Richard: You mean to say we’ve been asked to buy Witch Hazel because Sainsbury’s doors are closing for ONE WHOLE FUCKING DAY!
Phillip: Well you can’t be too careful.
Scene – the booze isle
Richard: This is more like it. No list needed here. We’ll need some advocaat and some Blue Bols.
Phillip: Are you sure they’ll get used?
Richard: Absolutely. Who doesn’t like advocaat at Christmas
Phillip (quietly): Me and the rest of the world…..
Richard: Don’t forget the Pale Ale and the Cranberry Vodka…..
Scene: At the checkouts
Richard: Well that was good. Only two hours queuing for a till. I’m sure it was three last year.
Assistant: That’ll be £334.56 please!
Richard: THREE HUNDRED QUID! At least Dick Turpin wore a mask……
Richard and Phillip leave and walk straight in to an Audi reversing out of the trolley park.