There was a letter waiting for me when I got in tonight. From the clinic. You know, the one that needed my wife’s permission and might have contained a Palace supporting bollock specialist with a machete but didn’t. I’m sterile. Fuck.

Of course this means I have had “my fun” but let me tell you producing a sample on the one day and one time when you’re in the same town as the clinic and your mother’s in the house and she knows you have an appointment with a clinic but not why is as mechanical and secretive as building a nuclear powerplant only without the fun designing bits. Truth be told I’ve had more enjoyable sneezing fits.

Also I’m sterile. Fuck.

I thought I knew how I’d feel about this, that it would be a good thing and basically I’m happy and it is. Our two children’s routes in to this world were relatively straight forward, save Boy’s reluctance to make an appearance (a thing he now makes up for by trying to be first in the queue for everything) but they were stressful enough for me so I certainly wouldn’t put the other half through that again. And The Whirlwind has started sleeping through, stopped teething. She even sometimes tells me she’s taken a dump accurately. Could I do another eighteen sleep deprived months and still look after the two we have already? Hell no. Would the car seat and buggy stand up to another couple of years of abuse? Hell no again.

And yet…..

The other day I was on the train and there was a proud mum with a buggy and in the buggy was a tiny new born in  one of those snow suits with animal ears and I nearly melted. I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE THAT GETS BROODY FFS. What am I? Some sort of half man? Mr Broody Sterile (not, I would suggest a good adopted name for the use of acting in adult movies)? I can still remember Whirlwind, light as a feather, balanced on my shoulder, vomit dripping down my back. No more vomit for a while. Not still she starts raiding my wallet and spending the findings on WKD anyway.

That’s it then. We are a 2 child family.

All I have to do now is fill in a feedback form for the clinic. I’m thinking of ‘could you include a DVD for sample time and ensure that my mother is in another continent for the day’.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off for a vat full of gin.


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