Dear Patrons of Certain Local Swimming Lessons

OK this is my second apology in a week which is ironic as the first was an apology for not maintaining this blog. But I am sorry.

Yes that smell in the changing rooms was my daughter and my wholly inadequate efforts to clean after her. She had, not to put too fine a point on it, taken a shit in her swim nappy which luckily kept it all in till after she’d swam. Yes, I am aware that some of you heard her before the lesson saying to me ‘I duned a poo Daddy’. What you have to understand is that in this respect she is the boy who cried wolf. Or rather girl who cries poo. It is her standard attention seeking phrase. When she wakes up in the morning she says ‘Daddy I duned a poo’. When she wants food she doesn’t always say ‘I’m hungry Daddy’. Sometimes she does but sometimes she says ‘I duned a poo’ and it will always turn out that she hasn’t. When I bath her and I’m about to take off her nappy she says ‘I duned a poo’ Here I have a follow up question, ‘poo or no poo’ which is delivered in a stern Noel Edmounds voice. This is where I find out the truth, which is almost always that her nappy is clean.

So when she says it I tend not to believe her, Also the extra ‘d’ on the end of ‘done’ grates on my need for grammatical correctness. Obviously I will have to revise this following this afternoon where she had clearly curled out a vince minutes before swimming.

I would also like to apologise for the wholly inadequate manner in which I cleaned it up. I’m a bloke. I’m good at cooking steak. I’m good at drinking beer and watching football. Talking nonsense about badgers. Wearing trainers. Catching wet shit? Not so good. I’m actually quite impressed that I got any of it in to the nappy sack at all and that I noticed the little bits that had stuck to the walls and cleaned them, and that I got one of the attendants to bring anti-bacterial cleaning bits to stop any germs spreading. That’s the sort of thing I used to get a gold star for at home. I guess that after 5 and a half years of non-stop dealing with bodily emissions I have finally graduated poo cleaning 101. Yay me. If my wet shit catching skillz improve I could actually try for poo college. Get an EBacc in EColi. Do an actual shit degree instead of a metaphorical one. Woohoo.

The smell? Yes sorry about that too. We only feed her on Brussels Sprouts soaked in Scotch, All Bran and grapes. I hope none of you noticed me collecting little bits in the vial either. The “Lab Money” comes in handy ok? How do you think we keep her in Vertbaudet leggings (shit coloured ones, obviously)?

Still at least I didn’t do anything REALLY STUPID like getting it on her costume and then, not only NOT putting it in a nappy bag but actually not remembering to take it with me either. I’m guessing all of you have been taking subtle whiffs of the sprout. All Bran and grape diet since mid-afternoon. Have haz mat been out yet?

In short sorry my shit is shit when it comes to shit.

(Yes, I’m aware that writing a post that says I won’t be writing any posts for a while then writing another post a few days later makes me look a bit, well, dumb, but trust me if you’d had the afternoon I just had you’d be blogging too.)


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