Scene: Two hikers, Richard and Phillip, are on top of a hill, having a rest and looking down.
Richard: I say Phillip, what’s that little white thing down there?
Phillip: Where? What white thing? All I can see is a couple of pink things bobbing up and down and moaning.
Richard: No, no, that’s those two Swedish ramblers shagging – I think she’s doing the reverse cowgirl. No I meant the OTHER side of the hill
Phillip: (disappointed) Oh I see. (Takes another sneaky peek then looks on the other side of the hill).Oh THAT. That’s a goat.
Richard: A STOAT? You stupid old fucker. Stoats are a bit more like a weasel. You’re nearly as blind as I am deaf. No that thing looks more like a cross between the devil and a small sheep. In fact quite like a goat.
Phillip: THAT’S WHAT I SAID YOU DEAF OLD BASTARD.
(At this point I would like kudos from the reader for avoiding the stoatily different gag. Ooops)
Richard: Haha. Only KIDDING. Goat jokes. You can’t bleat them.
Phillip: What’s it eating?
Richard: Looks like grass. Although of course you do know that goats will eat anything don’t you?
Phillip: No I’m sorry, I don’t think they do. I think that’s the sort of clichéd, hackneyed myth that parents tell their children to stop them putting their arms in goat’s mouths at Petting Farms.
Richard: No it isn’t. It’s a well known fact.
Phillip: OK then. Have you ever seen a goat eating a Boing 747 Jumbo Jet?
Richard: Well, no, not actually seen. But I bet it would.
Phillip: Ok then, how about eating a thermonuclear warhead?
Phillip: Original Source Lime Shower Gel? Tampons? A stock pot? Balls from a soft play ball pit? Have they ever eaten ANOTHER GOAT Richard? Are they little fucking cannibals? Oh look, there’s the famous head shrinking cannibal goat tribe of rural West Sussex! How about the antimacassar from the first class carriage of the 6.53 to Newhaven Harbour? Pig bollocks? Red Bull cans?
Richard: No. But then again up till now I’d never seen the reverse cowgirl used in an open field before but those Swedes look like experts.
Phillip: Stop watching the free sex show you fucking pervert. Concentrate on the oddity that is a goat, in a field, eating grass.
Richard: It’s not eating grass any more. In fact it appears to be dumping it out again.
Phillip: THAT’S DISGUSTING. Have you ever smelled goat shit? Soon the whole valley will be reeking of poo.
Richard: Imagine what it would smell like after it had eaten a 747, a thermonuclear warhead and some pig bollocks.
Phillip: WHICH IT WOULD NEVER EAT!
*another awkward silence*
Richard: Oh well, that’s all the tea and bourbons gone. I suppose we’d better head back to the station.
(Behind them the goat starts eating the antimacassar from the first class carriage of the 6.53 to Newhaven Town while the Swedes move on to doggy style).