I woke up this morning feeling ok, if a little dusty, following my wife’s birthday / England football game. My initial chipper demeanour has been slowly disappearing through the morning. It started when I was eating breakfast and realised my mouth didn’t want to chew on the left side. A slow dull ache then took over for an hour until I suddenly realised, about mid-morning I have toothache.
Toothache, if you don’t mind me saying so, is a cunt.
Already it feels like the whole left side of my head is going to FALL OFF any damned minute. I’m scrunching my inner cheek in to my molars so that I look like a cross between an actor playing someone having a stroke and a lobotomised barbary ape.
I have taken Paracetamol AND Ibuprofen, an hour apart because I know you can cycle them and yet I am still about to look up what the “real” amount of each you can take in 24 hours is on the internet in the hope it’s wildly different to the packet instructions. I have ordered Cognac online (yes a bottle) in case I want to operate on myself with some sort of steam powered implement. I have gargled every mouthwash in the house and brushed my teeth 12 times. Painfully.
If none of that has worked by mid-afternoon I am going to have to call the dentist.
This will result in one of two things. Either they will poke around my mouth WHILE MY TOOTHACHE IS STILL GOING ON before telling me it’s just an infection, prescribing anti-biotics and handing me a bill the size of Sweden or they will poke around my mouth WHILE MY TOOTHACHE IS STILL GOING ON and THEN inject it and THEN do drilling and THEN hand me a bill the size of Outer Mongolia and try to persuade me to come back for a deep clean next Tuesday, at additional cost.
I hate the dentist.
But the worst thing of all? Knowing that most of my readers are by now thinking “he doesn’t know he’s born. Try shitting a space hopper out of your front bottom with no drugs at all and then tell me that a little bit of toothache is painful.” And you know what? You’re probably right.
*mooches round a bit felling sorry for self*