My Dad lives in France. He has never met Baby. “Soon” we are going to see him with both children for the first time (obviously, this being the public interweb I’m not saying exactly when) and I am dreading it. Not seeing my Dad. He’s lovely and his house is pretty much a walk in wine cellar. Not the kids meeting him either. We skype video call once a week so he’s seen what they’re like. No it’s the GETTING there. France is annoyingly JUST too far away to do comfortably with 2 children (or at least the bit where he lives is). It’s not Australia or Fiji but somehow that just makes it more annoying. I wonder how it ended up like that?
*wavy lines and xylophone music*
Scene – a meeting room in Heaven. God is talking to Rodney the Countries and Territories Project Manager (EMEA)
God : How’s Europe going? Do we need a conference call with the Country Naming Outsourcers yet?
Rodney the Countries and Territories Project Manager: No need. I’ve sacked them! They took two weeks to come up with a name for that little blob you made in the middle of the main land mass. This morning I just took a crap and while I was sitting in Trap 1 I decided to name it Liechtenstien. I think they’re already moving back in to the Call Centre sector.
God: Good-oh! Had any thoughts about what to do with that bit in Northern Europe that seems to have broken off the main land mass?
Rodney the Countries and Territories Project Manager: Oh yes! I thought it would be quite funny if we punished it for breaking off by making it really wet and cold. Also everyone will be far too reserved to get laid properly which should give you a head start in getting followers. This will also make people incredibly self-important so I have added the likelyhood of schisms to the risk register. I’m going to fill it with wonderful produce but, for the first million years or so no one will notice and they’ll all be terrible cooks. Mainly due to the schisms.
God: Is that all? I’m really quite annoyed about the breakaway. It might set some sort of isolationist tone.
Rodney the Countries and Territories Project Manager: Oh that’s just the start! You know that bit you filled with wine and excellent chefs and the Riviera and philosophers and artists when you were in a really good mood last Thursday? Well I’ve moved that opposite the breakaway place and expanded on it. I’ve made the people appear to be arrogant to outsiders whilst actually being lovely when nobody’s looking. There’s a 35 hour working week and amazing health care without actually needing to be completely socialist. I’ve made the nice bits JUST out of sight of breakaway landmass. The bit that’s nearly touching I’ve filled with discount booze warehouses and refugee camps. There are now four ways you can get to the nice bit. You can drive for 13 hours solid. You can drive, then get a really chunder inducing boat across the sea then drive some more. Or you can take a plane. Here I’ve made both airports inaccessible and the planes are run by some madcap Irish bloke who thinks that 2 inches of legroom is quite enough, children should fight each other for the good seats and that you should pay more for checking in and taking your luggage on board than actually flying. You COULD get a train but imagine having young children and trying to lug all the gear you need for THEM around Paris when you have to change!
God: Hmm. You seem to be angling for my job. Never forget that I can do THIS!
(God smites someone and creates Belgium).