*Nails a permanent Rant Alert poster to the blog*
So today I was back on the trains. I like my job a lot (yes, really). I do not like the train bit though*
If only these simple rules and observances were adhered to….
• One seat per person in rush hour. If you need the seat next to you for your bag then buy your bag a season ticket at an additional £4000 per year. If you need a seat for your bag and another for your paper / iPad I’m getting the guard to throw you off. Between stations.
• Garlic and cigarettes are not the correct breath smells for the morning commute unless you’re on the Paris metro.
• Unless it’s got a little ‘reserved’ ticket in it that you paid for that is not YOUR seat. It’s just the seat you sat in yesterday.
• Playing Angry Birds on an iPhone 3 when you’re a 52 year old accountant isn’t going to make you cool. Especially with the sound on.
• No we don’t ALL want to hear you rescheduling that conference call with Nigel. Or about the horror who blew you during the stag weekend in Rhyl.
• People freshly arrived from Latvia probably don’t know to stand on the right and walk on the left of escalators. Stop tutting at them. If this makes you 10 minutes late, and that loses you a bonus then leave. Your job sucks.
• If you’re so fat you need 2 seats to yourself then commuting isn’t for you. Get a job nearer to home and walk there and back until you no longer need 2 seats.
• Quoting the most obvious immigration story in the Daily Mail doesn’t make you Malcolm Muggeridge. Those of us in the carriage snickering at you are in the right.
• The Metro is shit
• Let all the people off who are getting off before elbowing your way past the old lady to the last remaining priority seat.
• Stopping dead still at the bottom of an escalator is never going to end well for anyone.
• During rush hour you are not allowed to save a seat for your friend who’s getting on 3 stops later. It’s not fucking lunchtime at Infants School.
• The instructions for exiting a ticket barrier are this; have ticket ready, put ticket in slotty thing, walk through barrier as soon as it opens. Really, really simple unless you’re doing Physics, Higher Maths and Chemistry A Level at Sixth Form College in which case it appears to be a greater challenge than nuclear fission.
• Crowd surfing is discouraged on the tube.
• Smile and the world smiles with you. Unless you’re on the 6.30 to London Bridge. Smile on that and you need locking up.
*these days I will often write blog drafts in Word on the way home which is, believe it or not marvellously therapeutic.