Things You Can No Longer Do Now You’re A Parent

So sunfun is at mammasaurus this week. I haven’t written / photographed anything new but I thought I’d link up something from this week. Earlier this week the below list spewed out of the dark recesses of my mind. Will that do?

  • Have the same amount of sleep two nights running
  • Leave the house for somewhere important without checking for milk stains
  • Mainline Crystal Meth
  • Watch an entire football or rugby match on the telly without using the live pause feature
  • Watch an entire cricket match on the telly from first ball to last in a 24 hour period. Even a 20/20.
  • Leave the house for somewhere important without checking for snot stains
  • Have anything sharp within easy reach
  • Go ballooning naked with a llama*
  • Have your mobile phone and TV remote control within easy reach
  • Drink an entire bottle of Jack just to see what happens
  • Shower without tripping over a squeezy-water octopus or a bath duck
  • Leave the  house for somewhere important without checking for vomit stains
  • Travel abroad as a family without planning it for at least 2 years
  • Plan stuff
  • Read an improving book
  • Spend 3 whole days without encountering Peppa Pig, a Tombliboo or both
  • Wash socks in pairs
  • Leave the  house for somewhere important without checking for poo stains
  • Actually, just sleep
  • Try out the new Korean place round the corner on a whim
  • Have a party which features someone in the corner clutching Special Brew who no-one knows
  • Have a party that doesn’t feature jelly and Haribo
  • Leave your laptop unattended for 30 seconds
  • Consider the local schools from a neutral point of view
  • Buy fashionable clothes (possibly this is just a Dad thing)
  • Jack in the job that pays the rent / mortgage to open a business selling Tibetan Yurts from your garden
  • Watch a film that may contain ‘naughty bits’ just after the children have been put in bed
  • Have a cup of tea / coffee within easy reach
  • Mainline espresso
  • Arrive on time for stuff
  • Write list postings on your blog**

* Well you technically could. But the kids would talk about it at inappropriate times. Like when you’ve got a llama farmer round for tea

** Oh, wait….


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  1. #1 by Off Duty Mom on February 29, 2012 - 6:50 pm

    Funny post, indeed! I found that when I became a mother I was terribly ANGRY that I could not foresee a time when I’d just grab my keys and leave the house whenever I wanted. I remember being spontaneous. I hate that everything requires such planning now. It’s tough, but kids are great, too. Sometimes…

  2. #2 by motherventing on February 29, 2012 - 7:01 pm

    Nice use of the term ‘mainline’. Always makes me giggle when people mainline stuff other than narcotics. And all good parties involve Haribo. FACT.

  3. #3 by jbmumofone on February 29, 2012 - 7:16 pm

    I for one go LOOPY after too much Haribo and lack of sleep. Who needs Crystal Meth these days?

  4. #4 by Laura @ Chez Mummy on March 4, 2012 - 7:24 am

    There are so many things I can identify with in your list although I’m planning on starting my own business this year so I hope you’re not right about that one!

    • #5 by slightlysuburbandad on March 4, 2012 - 7:37 am

      As long as it’s not selling Tibetan Yurts I think you’ll be fine! I feel more tied to my salaried job than ever since we had the kids. However, through my wife, I also know a lot of Mums with vibrant and successful businesses.

  5. #6 by turkishmum on March 4, 2012 - 8:21 am

    I agree with all, especially the buying fashionable clothes and snot stains. Lately my son thinks my jeans/trousers are tissues for him to wipe his nose?!? 🙂

  6. #7 by Five Go Blogging on March 4, 2012 - 10:24 am

    oh oh oh and and..
    Hey, my list and your list should get together sometime! They have A LOT in common.

  7. #8 by JallieDaddy on March 4, 2012 - 10:41 am

    Really funny! And very true! Except I do manage to mainline Espresso; I don’t think I could cope without it…

  8. #9 by Helen Neale on March 4, 2012 - 11:10 am

    I am clearly not very good at this list – I never check before I leave the house, and have ended up at meetings with various different bodily stains on the perfect suit – all, thankfully, caused by my kids, honest 🙂

  9. #10 by Romanian mum on March 4, 2012 - 7:53 pm

    Indeed. Very funny list! But having a child is the best thing ever though! It just changes your conception of life! 😉

  10. #11 by Actually Mummy on March 4, 2012 - 9:00 pm

    I simply can’t agree with you about the Jack. I do it virtually every night. Can’t remember what a book is though 😉

  11. #12 by plus2point4 on March 4, 2012 - 9:42 pm

    We need to see photos of the Llama dancing!!!

  12. #13 by Mammasaurus on March 5, 2012 - 3:02 am

    Anytime’s a good time to go ballooning naked with a llama!

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